Where I Come From...

Typical Lancaster County View

I live in a small town in the heart of Amish Country in Lancaster County, PA. It never occurred to me that it was might be unusual to be able to walk three or four blocks in any direction from the heart of our town and find yourself looking at some of the most beautiful farmland in the country. You can step out of the grocery store and right into a farmer's field. :-)

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Having just emerged from a near-death experience which I'll fondly refer to as "The Shower", it occurred to me that my friends might benefit from the wisdom I've amassed over the years of applying personal hygiene principles to my life. No need to thank me; your continued health and happiness is all I desire. Read on for tips and observations I've found to be most useful:

· The first, and most immutable, law of bathroom reality is that the person who used the last of the toilet tissue is the same person who cheerfully waved goodbye and left the house empty in your time of need. Learn to either check the supply before you enter the sanctuary, or be prepared to have your wails of anguish bounce off the echoing walls of an empty house.

· Even if you've never dared dream you'd have the physical astuteness needed to perform a straddle split, fear not! It can be easily accomplished by placing one foot outside the shower and onto a vinyl floor dewy with condensation. With just the right amount of "push" from the foot still IN the shower, you will find yourself ready for Olympic-style gymnastic competition. My experience with this feat, however, is that what it demonstrates in grace is sorely compromised by the resultant scream of pain that ensues as body hits tub rim in a plethora of pain.

· If you, like me, are visually challenged, be sure to put your glasses on before reaching for beauty products. For instance, in order to lure women consumers into buying shaving cream made specifically for their satin-like skin, many manufacturers have gone to great lengths to make their cans decorative. Again, without benefit of glasses, one MIGHT erroneously find oneself happily using shaving cream in lieu of hair mousse, which completely defeats the purpose of both products. One is used to remove hair, the other to add volume. You see the dilemma, I'm sure.

· In the same manner, here's a small chemistry lesson for you. Facial astringent and nail polish remover are NOT interchangeable products. Astringent is used to firm, refresh and renew. Finger nail polish remover will instantaneously suck every drop of moisture from your face and leave you wearing an expression similar to that of a Haitian Death Mask.

· If you use gel toothpaste and some discourteous soul leaves the cap off for an extended period of time, nothing short of a surgical procedure will allow that toothpaste to flow freely again. I believe the mythical little boy in Holland who used his finger to stop the leak in the dyke first applied a generous dollop of dried toothpaste gel liberally to his finger.

· When purchasing toothbrushes for the family, make sure each person has an assigned color and toss the old ones. I realize there are a multitude of uses for worn out toothbrushes, but I hasten to assure you that this piece of wisdom was hard won. My toothbrush is red. Coincidentally, so is the toothbrush my daughter uses to clean her jewelry IN THE BATHROOM. Enough said, I think. (I must add as an afterthought, though, that my fillings have never looked so shiny!)

· There is nothing in life to compare to the start of surprise you'll receive when, during your shower, you feel a tongue lick your leg. Delighted anticipation is quickly usurped by chagrin when you realize it's not an amorous mate, but the dog who can't get a drink because someone had the poor taste to lower the lid of the toilet.

· Living with animals is a joy. They provide unconditional love. They also provide unconditional honesty. If the dog flees the bathroom in horror as you step out of the shower, it may be time to rethink your lackadaisical approach to physical fitness. You know as well as I that's it's neigh on impossible to embarrass a dog. Take heed of these subtle, yet important hints from our canine friends.

· Do NOT attempt to dry your hair and shave your legs at the same time. Time is a precious commodity, but no amount of efficiency can make up from leg burns from a hot hair dryer and bald spots from an errant razor blade. Both will heal, but the humiliation is complete.

· I listen to the radio while I shower. May I suggest that if you do the same, tune into a nice, mellow station. In a frenzy of movement inspired by "Boot Scootin’ Boogie", I learned that the shower curtain is not an adequate anchor to prevent a falling body from hitting the shower floor. However, the crescendo of body and curtain (with rod, or course) wildly flailing about does add a nice touch of percussion to the song. Screaming is optional.

· And finally, anyone familiar with the amusement park ride known as the water slide will appreciate the fact that one must, absolutely must, dry off completely before taking a seat. One wrong move will add new meaning to the phrase "slip sliding away" as you find yourself jettisoned from the commode like a torpedo gone mad.

I trust you'll find this information helpful. I offer it with my love and best wishes for safe and happy bathroom usage for years to come.

Love and Hugs,
Karen

My Dreams - A Poem

My Dreams

My dreams are jeweled pebbles at the bottom of a sea.
Inviting hope and longing to be released in me.

Their colors speak of beauty with each reflected ray.
My soul longs to embrace them and let them guide my way.

But the sea is often murky with the actual and true,
And the pebbles seem to mock me with all that I must do.

And hope becomes a burden that my soul cannot cast down,
And the way to all I long for is lost and can't be found.

So I sit beside the water's edge and trail a hand below
The surface of the here and now seeking truths my heart will know.

Dreams beckon me with what can be...Truth urges me to see
That life is culled from good and ill...At last, perhaps I'm free.

A Bird in Hand - Is a Happy Bird, It Seems

I had sex with a bird! (waiting for that to sink in....)

The other evening I was sitting in my favorite chair in the living room, minding my own business and reading a steamy Nora Roberts novel. I was ALSO absentmindedly petting my daughter's cockatoo, Allie, while I was reading. Just kind of stroking her underneath her wings, not thinking anything of it. Anyone with pets knows that it's very relaxing to pet them, right? And Allie loves to be petted. This was NOT an unusual situation, I swear!

When it was time to turn the page of my book, I looked down and saw that Allie was shaking and shuddering! Scared me to death, because I thought she was having a seizure of some kind. Turns out I was right. A seizure of the BEST kind.

Not knowing that at the moment, though, I yelled to my daughter, "What's wrong with the bird?!" to which my daughter, the sweet innocent 19 year old, replied, "Holy Cow, Mom! She thinks you're haveing sex with her!" and she quickly scooped Allie off my lap and put her on her perch on the other side of the room so I wouldn't "overstimulate" her again.

I was left to wonder if I should light a cigarrette, add this new found talent to my resume, or just be really, REALLY grossed out. Really, really grossed out won.

My daughter came back and proceeded to give me a lecture about the evils of ...errr...stimulating... a bird, (thought I kept TELLING her I didn't KNOW I was doing that at the time!!!) and warned me that now Allie (a lesbian bird at that apparently!) would lay some eggs, and it was all my fault. Me and my magic fingers. Who knew?

Geezy Peezy! I'm going to be a daddy!

Housework Survey

HOUSEKEEPING SURVEY

Housework is a mystery to me. I need guidance from those more in tune with liquid detergents and their proper place in this world. To that end, I have composed the following survey to find out how normal people feel about housework. Please share your feedback as soon as possible for my edification. Be advised, however, that participating in this information-gathering effort will in no way obligate me to change my ways. I will, nonetheless, weigh and consider all information...and probably discard if it means I need to pick up a mop or participate in some other such form of torture.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

How long should empty shampoo bottles be left in the shower stall?
a. Until all your hair has fallen out. ("You" being used in the universal sense here.)
b. Until the soap scum on them renders them the status of a science project.
c. Until someone ELSE tosses them.

Leftovers should be discarded when:
a. They start to grow mold and can thus be used for medicinal purposes.
b. When you find a group of starving Chinese people desperate enough to eat them.
c. When friends and family offer to take up a collection to buy you groceries.
d. There should almost never be leftovers. It shows an appalling lack of planning skills.

Bedding should be changed:
a. When they are so stiff the dogs refuse to lay on the bed.
b. When you can document your love life by them.
c. When you KNOW you're never going to be a bed maker of conviction, so you'd better make the commitment to clean sheets.

The vacuum cleaner is....
a. Our friend. It helps us maintain a clean and wholesome atmosphere and makes a home a castle.
b. Evil incarnate and to be avoided at all cost.
c. A multi-functional tool, useful for cleaning and intimate moments between consenting adults.
d. A piece of exercise equipment to tone and firm when finances don't allow for a gym membership.

Smudges on glass tables, doors, windows, etc. are acceptable when:
a. They prevent physical injury to friends and family who don't realize the glass is there because it's so clean (i.e., sliding doors).
b. The smudges make strange designs that might be of interest to the psychiatrist next door.
c. When they are so plentiful that they can replace curtains as a privacy tool.
d. Smudges are never acceptable. No compromise. Ever.

ESSAY QUESTIONS: (answers provided by a wise and witty friend)

You find the toothpaste tube squeezed from the middle. What is the appropriate punishment for the offending party? Bonus question. The cap of said tube has been left off and the paste is now concrete. How painful should the death be? Please elaborate as necessary.

For squeezing from the middle of the tube, the person must be punished very severely. After all, it is that sort of blatant waste of resources that topples the economy of an entire nation! That is why I recommend that the person be forced to brush his/her teeth with baking soda for 1 month, and be subjected to 14 straight hours of Martha Stewart. Martha would NEVER squeeze from the middle. For leaving the cap off, death should be swift. If you are lucky enough to be in Kentucky, you don't even have to worry about punishment from the law. This clearly falls under the "He needed killin'" murder defense.

Please give two examples of the pros and cons of piling items on the stairs for future hauling to the second floor. Bonus points awarded for answers that do NOT include the obvious risk of physical pain from the inevitable cascade of said items upon someone's feet.

The obvious advantages to leaving things on the steps for carrying up later are that you save the number of trips up the steps, thus conserving energy that could be better utilized in some cleaning capacity, along with it providing a visual reminder that order and disciplined action are called for in every capacity of our lives. Perhaps there is something wrong with the organization of the house? Why else would you have needed to transport the item from one floor to the other, and then back? And if there is something wrong in your house, then where else are there deficiencies waiting to be uncovered? Thorough introspection is called for.

The disadvantages are thus: first, it decreases the number of opportunities for someone to participate in the organizing of household items. The person who does carry the items gets the lion's share of the satisfaction for that day, leaving other family members to feel empty and without fulfillment. Secondly, the awareness that there are items in the house that are not currently in their proper place can distract one from his lesser tasks, such as intercourse.

Please explain the ritual of "separating the wash" before doing laundry. This one has always eluded me.

You pick up each item. Those that smell too bad to wear get tossed to the side. Those that could be worn again get tossed onto the bed for next time you get dressed. When there are too few items to properly dress, borrow from a roommate or sibling.


TRUE OR FALSE:

Moving items from one room to the other when asked to clean up is in FACT cleaning up. T / F

Toilet paper is a mysterious entity that miraculously grows on the spindle, thereby eliminating the need to change an empty roll. T / F

Housework is vital, but should never be elevated above REALLY important things like chatting or counting the holes in the ceiling tile. T / F

Dishpan hands are a crime against God and nature. T / F

Deafness has been known to strike as a direct result of hearing the words "It's time to clean out the attic, dear." T / F

Cooking should be left to professionals or those with well padded homeowner's policies. T / F


RATING SCALE (Please rate on a scale of 1-10; 10 being most important; 1 least):

Keeping white clothing white. (This goes to the endless debate on the validity of using bleach.)

Having sheets that smell "outdoor fresh."

Knowing at least ten ways to use hamburger.

Having toilet paper come off the roll according to your personal preference (over vs. under).

Eliminating the dreaded curse of soap scum from the face of the earth forever.


Thank you for taking the time to participate in my survey. I look forward to being enlightened just soon as I finish this box of Bon Bons and watch the latest edition of Jerry Springer. :-)

Karen