Introducing Miss Cranky Pants
No, I'm not suffering from PMS. THAT would be too easy! Pop a couple of Midol you're back in happy land. No, it's not PMS I'm struggling with. I'm struggling with LIFE! And life is winning. I'm not equipped. I'm not prepared. I'm not old enough for this stuff. Let me share some of the reasons that life and I are finding ourselves incompatible right now.
I came home from a long, hard day at work. All I wanted was the sanctuary of my home and some affection from any of the creatures that live here. What I found was a catastrophe of amazing proportion. My daughter's seven month old puppy, Jag, was sitting in the midst of what looked like an exploded snow globe. He was happily gnawing on some foam rubber - foam rubber that was supposed to be filling the arm of my sofa! It seems that Jag found a pin-prick sized hole in the arm of the chair and decided to try digging to China. Foam covered the entire length and width of my living room. The arm of my sofa is now stuffed with a towel and the fabric has been seamed and stapled to the frame of the sofa with a staple gun. It's my fault, I'm sure. I have trust issues. I trusted that my daughter would be responsible enough to crate Jag before she went to work. And I trusted that I didn't need to say to Jag, "Don't eat Grandma's sofa today, Baby." I should have known. Life 1. Karen 0.
It's been terribly dry and cold around here lately. Battling static cling has become an obsession for me. I'm afraid to touch anything metal, or kiss anyone ANYWERE. It's gotten downright dangerous! Today when I got up from my desk, my skirt decided not to come along for the ride. As I yanked it free from its electric grip on the fabric of my chair I actually saw sparks fly. It was time to hit the bathroom and douse myself with Static Guard spray. I grabbed the spray can and started the process of grounding myself, so to speak. Imagine my surprise when I saw that my skirt was foaming! Trying to figure out the mystery, I checked the can I was holding. It was Right Guard antiperspirant. It takes a special kind of stupid to confuse deodorant and static cling spray. Meet Karen, a Special Kind of Stupid. Life 2. Karen 0
I plucked my eyebrows the other night. I plucked them while I had one eye on a movie I was watching in my semi-dark living room. And, of course, you can't pluck your eyebrows while wearing glasses, right? When the movie was finished I took my tools of torture into the bathroom to put them away and examined my handiwork. I looked like Mr. Spock. But not as cute. I now have wings instead of eyebrows. I don't think it's a look that's going to catch on. Life 3. Karen 0
The battle with life was getting to me, and I decided I needed an extra boost of self confidence. The other day I decided to wear makeup to work, not something I usually do. I worked hard to get the "right" look; something tasteful and flattering; mostly, I wanted to avoid looking clownish or as if I'd survived a bout in the ring with a pro boxer. I have to tell you, I was pretty impressed with the results. And it really did boost my confidence. When I got to the office my boss wanted to talk to me. We went over some business for a few minutes, and I kept hoping for some comment about my newly-enhanced look. I wasn't disappointed. As he followed me out of the office he said, "I like your new hair style, Karen." I got my "new" hairstyle two weeks ago, my friends. It requires no work. I wash it and walk out of the bathroom. No effort. The make up thing? Thirty minutes. Thirty freaking minutes. Life 4. Karen 0
I don't have call waiting activated on my cell phone because I don't know how to switch from one call to another. I've sent so many calls into the communication abyss that Nokia is going to feature me on their FAQ page. Similarly, I don't know how to use my daughter's DVD player. If I want to watch a DVD and she's not home to do the dirty work, I pop the movie into my computer. We got a new microwave from our second daughter for Christmas. It scares me. There are too many buttons and too many options. I've started using the stove again. I recently had voice mail installed on my home phone line because I ran out of space on my answering machine tape and didn't know how to erase it. But I can't access my voice mail yet because I lost the access code number and I'm too embarrassed to call the help desk one more time. Groucho Marx said, "A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five." Amen Brother. Amen. Life 5. Karen 0
Until next time, this is Miss Cranky Pants signing off. Be careful out there, my friends.
I came home from a long, hard day at work. All I wanted was the sanctuary of my home and some affection from any of the creatures that live here. What I found was a catastrophe of amazing proportion. My daughter's seven month old puppy, Jag, was sitting in the midst of what looked like an exploded snow globe. He was happily gnawing on some foam rubber - foam rubber that was supposed to be filling the arm of my sofa! It seems that Jag found a pin-prick sized hole in the arm of the chair and decided to try digging to China. Foam covered the entire length and width of my living room. The arm of my sofa is now stuffed with a towel and the fabric has been seamed and stapled to the frame of the sofa with a staple gun. It's my fault, I'm sure. I have trust issues. I trusted that my daughter would be responsible enough to crate Jag before she went to work. And I trusted that I didn't need to say to Jag, "Don't eat Grandma's sofa today, Baby." I should have known. Life 1. Karen 0.
It's been terribly dry and cold around here lately. Battling static cling has become an obsession for me. I'm afraid to touch anything metal, or kiss anyone ANYWERE. It's gotten downright dangerous! Today when I got up from my desk, my skirt decided not to come along for the ride. As I yanked it free from its electric grip on the fabric of my chair I actually saw sparks fly. It was time to hit the bathroom and douse myself with Static Guard spray. I grabbed the spray can and started the process of grounding myself, so to speak. Imagine my surprise when I saw that my skirt was foaming! Trying to figure out the mystery, I checked the can I was holding. It was Right Guard antiperspirant. It takes a special kind of stupid to confuse deodorant and static cling spray. Meet Karen, a Special Kind of Stupid. Life 2. Karen 0
I plucked my eyebrows the other night. I plucked them while I had one eye on a movie I was watching in my semi-dark living room. And, of course, you can't pluck your eyebrows while wearing glasses, right? When the movie was finished I took my tools of torture into the bathroom to put them away and examined my handiwork. I looked like Mr. Spock. But not as cute. I now have wings instead of eyebrows. I don't think it's a look that's going to catch on. Life 3. Karen 0
The battle with life was getting to me, and I decided I needed an extra boost of self confidence. The other day I decided to wear makeup to work, not something I usually do. I worked hard to get the "right" look; something tasteful and flattering; mostly, I wanted to avoid looking clownish or as if I'd survived a bout in the ring with a pro boxer. I have to tell you, I was pretty impressed with the results. And it really did boost my confidence. When I got to the office my boss wanted to talk to me. We went over some business for a few minutes, and I kept hoping for some comment about my newly-enhanced look. I wasn't disappointed. As he followed me out of the office he said, "I like your new hair style, Karen." I got my "new" hairstyle two weeks ago, my friends. It requires no work. I wash it and walk out of the bathroom. No effort. The make up thing? Thirty minutes. Thirty freaking minutes. Life 4. Karen 0
I don't have call waiting activated on my cell phone because I don't know how to switch from one call to another. I've sent so many calls into the communication abyss that Nokia is going to feature me on their FAQ page. Similarly, I don't know how to use my daughter's DVD player. If I want to watch a DVD and she's not home to do the dirty work, I pop the movie into my computer. We got a new microwave from our second daughter for Christmas. It scares me. There are too many buttons and too many options. I've started using the stove again. I recently had voice mail installed on my home phone line because I ran out of space on my answering machine tape and didn't know how to erase it. But I can't access my voice mail yet because I lost the access code number and I'm too embarrassed to call the help desk one more time. Groucho Marx said, "A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five." Amen Brother. Amen. Life 5. Karen 0
Until next time, this is Miss Cranky Pants signing off. Be careful out there, my friends.
posted by Karen at 3:13 PM
7 Comments:
Oh my dear! Just enough info so you know who I am but,no one else will,"I Hope". What memories you sometimes bring back. Now since I'm much older than you,I want to forwarn you.I'm use to taking my glasses off to see anything close. Which means shaving under my arms.No one to impress so why do it anymore? My deoderant can and hair spray can "use" to be the same color! Beware! It is no fun having under arm hair "Poofed" especially on a warm humid day. I know you guys call me the crazy one. Just remember the "nut" does not fall from the tree. It's so nice to know that at least I have company.
God I love your posts, they are so clean and so true.
OK so life won. Or so it seemed. But you shared, you cared, you made others laugh and smile and understand.
That is was a sage does, what a wise person does.
You have a true center, no greater gift for a visitor can be given than that
On a positive note, however, the sparks from the coola didn't catch your coohie on fire.............Karen 1 Life 0.
:)
(and if it makes you feel better, Im that technologically challenged too.)
Ok. You got me with this one! I hope you don't mind but I am forwarding this to a few friends of mine that are also in the competition between them and life and I hope that they will see it happens to everyone!
I can't stop laughing at the Right Guard mishap! That's right up there with me grabbing what I thought was the breath spray and it was a small can of FDS Personal Hygiene Spray! Yeah, it's taken years of ribbing from my friends and thousands of dollars in therapy to get over that one!
I will tell you what my mother always told me when I had days like this..."Well honey, look at it this way...the only way you have to go is up." Nice, huh?
Have a better tomorrow and I'll put my deodorant on again without thinking about you!
Chloe
That was supposed to say I'll never put my deodorant on again...oh hell, you know what I was trying to say! I was still laughing too hard to make sense!!!
Chloe
Thanks everyone. LOL I enjoy reading your comments very much, and feel reassured that I'm not the only one who goes through this stuff. :-)
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