My Child My Heart
Brianna, my youngest daughter, is bursting forth with life. Literally. She's almost six months pregnant and shows no signs of changing her mind about the whole thing.
Every day brings about a new and amazing change to her body, it seems. At the alarming rate her bust is increasing, she'll soon be able to offer nourishment to starving infants all over the world. Bri is now in an F cup and it's conceivable that she won't stop until she hits every letter of the alphabet.
And not just her body. Her emotions, driven to the brink of insanity by hormones and reality, are in constant flux. Everything is changing. Life is happening within her and without. It's amazing stuff.
I love this woman-child who is my daughter. And I know her. She is becoming. She is discovering herself. She is assuming a new role and a new responsibility. And she is scared. She looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize herself anymore. She's not quite ready to fully embrace the reality of what is about to happen to her. She needs to find her way, but she's not sure how to do that.
So she clings a little more tightly to me, using whines and complaints to mask the fears. "I can't find a bra that fits. Will you please go shopping with me?" "I have heartburn. Mom, how can I get rid of it?" "Mom, I can't see my toes. Is there anything below my stomach that I should be aware of?" "Mommy, I need some money to support my craving for poptarts smothered in hot sauce?" "Mom, can you..." "Mom, will you..." "Mom, what do you think..."
And then there are the questions she only whispers. "Will I be a good mother?" "Will he stay with me after the baby is born?" "Will I ever feel beautiful again?" "How will we afford day care and diapers and doctor bills?" "Are you ashamed of me?"
And I ache for her, this child of my body and my heart. She is my own precious daughter. How can I explain the inexplicable? That her life will no longer be hers? That she's embarking on a journey that will forever change her; body, soul, and spirit. And how do I prepare her for the beauty, joy, and pain that will teach her lessons she can't begin to imagine right now?
I can't.
So I do what I can. I go shopping. I scratch her back. I answer her questions as best I can. I hold her. I dry her tears. I reassure. I encourage. I pray. I love.
My child. My heart. With awe, I wait. With hope, I anticipate. With gratitude, I accept the continuing cycle of life.
Every day brings about a new and amazing change to her body, it seems. At the alarming rate her bust is increasing, she'll soon be able to offer nourishment to starving infants all over the world. Bri is now in an F cup and it's conceivable that she won't stop until she hits every letter of the alphabet.
And not just her body. Her emotions, driven to the brink of insanity by hormones and reality, are in constant flux. Everything is changing. Life is happening within her and without. It's amazing stuff.
I love this woman-child who is my daughter. And I know her. She is becoming. She is discovering herself. She is assuming a new role and a new responsibility. And she is scared. She looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize herself anymore. She's not quite ready to fully embrace the reality of what is about to happen to her. She needs to find her way, but she's not sure how to do that.
So she clings a little more tightly to me, using whines and complaints to mask the fears. "I can't find a bra that fits. Will you please go shopping with me?" "I have heartburn. Mom, how can I get rid of it?" "Mom, I can't see my toes. Is there anything below my stomach that I should be aware of?" "Mommy, I need some money to support my craving for poptarts smothered in hot sauce?" "Mom, can you..." "Mom, will you..." "Mom, what do you think..."
And then there are the questions she only whispers. "Will I be a good mother?" "Will he stay with me after the baby is born?" "Will I ever feel beautiful again?" "How will we afford day care and diapers and doctor bills?" "Are you ashamed of me?"
And I ache for her, this child of my body and my heart. She is my own precious daughter. How can I explain the inexplicable? That her life will no longer be hers? That she's embarking on a journey that will forever change her; body, soul, and spirit. And how do I prepare her for the beauty, joy, and pain that will teach her lessons she can't begin to imagine right now?
I can't.
So I do what I can. I go shopping. I scratch her back. I answer her questions as best I can. I hold her. I dry her tears. I reassure. I encourage. I pray. I love.
My child. My heart. With awe, I wait. With hope, I anticipate. With gratitude, I accept the continuing cycle of life.
posted by Karen at 8:40 PM
7 Comments:
humbling stuff grandma
that will be fun for you, what name will you get, you will treasure it, defend it, adore it.
That is just for starters
Great reading this morning.
How else to show the lessons of motherhood but by awesome example?
I enjoy reading your posts.
Thanks...
Sounds like you're doing everything you need to do right now.
The best advice my Mom ever gave me was this - and I'm sure it's been heard many times before by almost everyone ...
"Some things you have to learn the hard way, on your own. Some things you have to work out for yourself. But when you need me, all you'll ever have to do is call my name."
Mom's are their daughters best teachers ...
I am who I am today because of my amazing mother and the lessons she taught me by never saying a word. Just her being with me during the time I was pregnant was all I needed. The greatest moment for my mother was not the birth of her grandchild, which was, as moments go, untouchable. But the moment a few weeks after, when I turned to my mom and said "Thank you" and the look on her face that told me she understood exactly what I meant...Now THAT was a moment.
I was touched by your writing. It brought sweet tears to my eyes as it reminded me of my daughter and the feelings I have as I watch her walking her path in life.
I can't imagine that I could accomplish something more rewarding than raising a child to be confident, strong and loving.
The past 6 years I've had the joy of watching her raise her child, my adorable grandson. While she's always sought my advice I would say it's increased 10 fold since having a child of her own!!
Thank you so much, everyone. This is an amazing time in my life, as well as my daughters. It makes me realize that my responsibility as a mother, and the honor of the same, is something I'll never truly tire of.
Thank you for sharing these moments with me. Thank you so very much.
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